I finally parted with my size zero jeans today. Sure, they haven’t fit in months but for some reason I couldn’t part with them. I also am trying to come to terms with the fact that I just bought a size 8 swimsuit for this season. And that I tried on one of my sisters skirts and it didn’t fit my waist…and she’s older and taller then me. And that the scale reads about 15 pounds more then it did this time last year. I don’t know if I have gained more weight recently because I ate pasta twice a day in Italy, am working through some depression issues, or my body is still maturing. I’m not looking for a pat on the back or sympathy, I’m simply wondering why weight is still such a big issue for me. Sure, I’m a million times better then I used to be and I know a lot about nutrition and taking care of my body. But I still look around and feel big and disproportional and unworthy.
Sometimes I can’t wait to get out of the city and go somewhere with down to earth people who are 20 years behind the real world. (Perhaps a small town in Colorado?!) It makes me sad seeing people get caught up in the “Dallas” lifestyle, where material possessions are so important and proving to friends you are worthy and successful is a requirement. I’ve really been missing my best friend lately but we are a thousand miles away. She puts on no facade and although her family is wealthy, she’s quite the thrifty person. Living in Colorado last summer showed me how I can survive just fine with 7 t-shirts and a few pairs of shorts. I was reminded again of that in Italy when I wore the same dress to church every week. I don’t want to forget that, I don’t want to get caught up with worldly things. I want to poor my energy into the two adorable kids I’m nannying for this summer, not what cute summer dresses I can buy with the money I make. I memorized a quote from C.S. Lewis awhile ago and it makes me think every time…”If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only explanation is that I was made for another world.”